Monday, December 26

Daily Farm Photo: 12/26/05


This is my 200th Daily Farm Photo


In Loving Memory Of My Brother Derek
1970-2005


Alcoholism is real. And it kills.
And sometimes there is nothing we can do.

On December 24th, my only sibling drank himself to death.

His all time favorite movie was "The Jungle Book."

For years he had a Cheez-It loving cockatiel named Buddy
that he found nuzzling his ankle while sitting in the stands
at the county fair horse races.

He lived with four cats in a one bedroom condo.

He was in absolute awe last year when he saw me mix Miracle
Whip and Heinz Chili Sauce and make Thousand Island dressing.

He wanted to be a veterinary assistant.

He dreamed of creating an animal sanctuary.

He had a genius level IQ.

He was 35 years old.


When was the last time you said, "I love you?"


129 comments:

  1. My heartfelt condolences, Susan. *hug*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and loving wishes are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am really sorry to hear your loss. My heartfelt condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Susan, I'm so sorry to hear this, my sincere condolences. My thoughts are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Definitely a "bitter-sweet" time of year, isn't it. Am sorry about his passing. But it gives me an idea for something to share. I will let you know when its up -- I think you will find some comfort in it. I know I did - I get goosy bumps everytime I share this.
    Til laters........ *gentle hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so sorry. My heart is with you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Susan, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. :( Thinking so very much of you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, Susan! I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing.

    He was my age. From everything you've said--and the fact that he was related to you--I think I would have liked him a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  11. While his earthly body may no longer exist, it seems his spirit has found a loving and protective home in you...

    Wishing you peace at what must be a very difficult time... and thanking you for such a gentle and important reminder.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Susan,
    I am so so sorry.
    What a tragedy.
    My prayers and thoughts go out to you (with a virtual hug) to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to ease it :(

    ReplyDelete
  14. What terrible, sad news. I send comforting thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  15. THOUGHTS WITH YOU SUSAN
    REALLY SORRY...
    HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so sorry, and I am so grateful to you for sharing a little bit about him. You're in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My deepest sympathy to you and your family, Susan, you are in my thoughts. I can feel that Christmas Eve will never be the same for you any more. A big hug from angelika

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh, god, farmgirl; our deepest sympathies are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Derek had excellent taste in chocolate, too. May his spirit find a peaceful place where there is no need to numb the pain of this world with anything.
    BB

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm so sorry.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am so sorry for your loss and the loss to the world...your brother sounded like a special person and of course, I know he was special to you...I have three sisters and can't imagine losing any of them...I'm sending a prayer for you and your family...Barbara Karr

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you during this sad time.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Susan, I offer you my deepest condolences (and big virtual hugs). I wish you and your family peace and strength.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  25. huge hugs, sniffle, more hugs

    ReplyDelete
  26. OH I am so sorry FG....

    xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  27. Susan - I sent you mail. I don't have anything to say that might make you feel better, but I just want you to know I can't stop thinking about you.
    Sending love from San Francisco.
    samx

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh Susan, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I've just started reading your blog and already I feel so at home here. It makes this all the more difficult to hear. I'm so very sorry...

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am so sorry! What a waste, he sounded like a wonderful man. So young. (My father also drank himself to death, at age 48.)

    My heart goes out to you and your family. You all will be in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I wish someone would come up with an alternative to AA for those who dont believe in their methods. How are those people supposed to get help? Do the people who don't have a god to thank have any hope?

    ReplyDelete
  32. kat - sorry i should have explained myself better. we have spent a lot of time looking into this and it just doesnt work for some poeple. little g, spirit, whatever, this just will not work. It has been tried and tested and rediculed by the person who needs help. If you try and look on the internet to find help for an alcoholic it is extremely difficult to find anything which doesn't include AA or the 12 step progam. There are a seriously few alternatives, but it amazes me the stranglehold AA has on the solving of this problem. I have researched high and low, there is little choice. Have you seen Penn and Teller on the subject?

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sorry for your loss Susan, hugs:x

    ReplyDelete
  34. Susan, my heart hurts for you. I have a very dear friend who is an alchoholic. Each time he quits drinking, I am buoyed up with hope. And each time he goes back to it, I lose a little more faith. It's hard for those of us left behind, but how much harder it must have been for him.

    Take care of yourself. You have lots of friends who care about you.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Susan, my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so unspeakably sad. You've given us so much joy - I hope we can provide you with some comfort in your sorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  36. May he rest in peace. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sincerely,
    Paz

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm so sorry. We're thinking of you and of your family.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I'm so sorry to hear this.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oh my dear. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  41. i am so sorry...

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm very sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Susan, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  44. peace to you and peace for your brother...my brother is also 35 and i need to call him NOW...i usually just read, but i had to respond this time. thanks for your sharing spirit.

    ReplyDelete
  45. You are in my prayers. I'm going to light a candle for you now.


    The last time I said "I love you" was about a half hour ago. I say it every day...to someone (usually to my hero, Bob).

    I am so sorry for your loss, Susan.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Susan,
    Losing a loved one is so painful, so raw. I appreciate how you celebrated the goodness of your brother's life. I believe when people die they live on in our memories. May the good memories of your brother remain in your heart forever.
    Take good care,
    Nicole

    ReplyDelete
  47. I am very sorry for your loss, Susan. My thoughts are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  48. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  50. My prayers are with you. Beth Schofield

    ReplyDelete
  51. What an eloquent tribute to your brother, Susan. I'm so sorry for your loss. May you and your family find comfort with each other and in all the good memories.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hi I'm Ted from Cal.I was a friend of Dereks and he worked for me in 03 and 04. I always told him that he was to smart to be a painter, he laughed and said that he liked it and that it was a good honest living.Derek was kind person.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Susan, I am so sorry to hear this. My deepest condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I am so sorry about your loss. Losing anyone at any time is hard, but even more so at Christmas.

    "Perhaps they are not stars but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

    ReplyDelete
  55. God bless your family. Sorry, is not enough to say. Comfort, in small doses, is something that only comes with time - a long time. Perhaps, helping others with this dreadful disease might ease your heart,help you work through this horrible event and maybe you will eventually feel less alone. Love to you and your family, Annonymous

    ReplyDelete
  56. I will keep you & your brother in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to alcoholism. The first loss was the way the disease made it impossible for him to be a part of my life. He was very withdrawn. The second loss was when he drank himself to death, alone in his apartment. It was something he just wasn't strong enough to conquer. After his death, I started to go to ACA (Adult Children of Alchoholics) meetings and they have changed my life. I didn't realize how much having an alchoholic parent had negatively affected my behavior. My childhood coping mechanisms were major road blocks for me as an adult. But, I learned how to re-pattern the way I looked at situations and have become a much less angry and reactive person. Alanon programs really help teach us to hate the disease and love the person. I wish you peace.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm so sorry for your loss, so sad to lose a loved one.
    It must have been so hard for you to see yoyr brother use his life in a way that you could see wasn't good for him - must make the sorrow so much the heavier.
    I want to send you a net hug (ever heard of such a thing?)- hereby done!

    ReplyDelete
  59. christmas will never be the same for you after this year...wish you all the sunflowers (as they call them in Dutch)to give you wamth .

    ReplyDelete
  60. My prayers go out to you Susan and your family. It breaks my heart everytime I here that alcohol has claimed another living soul...lost a few family members too. His spirit is now free of that and he is a guardian angel to the animals he loved as you mentioned. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND MAY YOU BROTHER BE AT PEACE.

    ReplyDelete
  61. I am so sorry for your loss. I am a recovering alcoholic.... I know how real alcoholism is. My heart aches for you and for your family... and for your brother.

    I'm just so sorry.

    --anne

    ReplyDelete
  62. I check in often, though I never comment...until now, at the one time when mere words aren't enough.

    Just try to hold on. Tight.

    J.

    ReplyDelete
  63. "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals" -- Immanuel Kant

    The world is poorer for the loss of your brother. May you find comfort knowing that you have drawn together a community of like-minded, caring people. Take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  64. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I have a brother who is 37, named Derek, and an alcoholic.
    When I read this entry, it hit me like I just ran into a brick wall.
    I'm saddened that your brother's life ended so soon, and was so troubled. Alchohol can be the comforting friend, but also, the most bitter enemy. I know, that around the booze, he was a good guy, and that others loved him, and cared about him. Were concerned for him.
    But mostly, that you loved him
    And already miss him.
    I can only imagine how much you hurt right now, and I wish that there was something that I could do to make things better for you.
    I wish this had not happened to your brother.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Susan: So very sorry about your loss. As you perhaps already know, "Bake something. You'll feel better."
    (take it from me, it helps...)

    ReplyDelete
  67. I'm so sorry for your loss :(

    ReplyDelete
  68. Hello Susan,
    My heart cries everytime I come to visit your blog right now. *gentle hugs sent your way during this time* Nothing feels right to say.. I pray for comfort for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  69. I'm so sorry for you. I'll pray for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  70. I am so sorry,Susan. Very unfortunate thing to happen and shouldnt happen to anyone ever.My heart is with you right now...thinking of you and praying for you.May his soul rest in peace!

    ReplyDelete
  71. Oh, {{hugs}}. This is so sad. Your beautiful thoughts made him a bautiful person...many blessings to you & your family.

    ReplyDelete
  72. I check in to your blog each day, addicted to your sweet musings and delightful photos. I am so sorry to hear your news, and like at least 82 people before me from around the world, want to express my condolences too. When you have time to reflect on this period in your life, I hope you can derive comfort from these little expressions of love sent to you from around the connected globe.Love, even between 'virtual' friends, is anything but virtual. God Bless you Susan, and come back soon with your own brand of sunshine. Bev.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Thank you all for writing. I am overwhelmed by your response.

    I cannot even begin to say how much your kind words and thoughts and stories and prayers and hugs mean to me. Cannot even begin.

    I'm not seeing photos when I go outside right now. And as heartbreaking as it is to look at it, I also wanted to keep this one at the top of the page for a while.

    But I know Derek wouldn't want me to miss a chance to share pictures of my cats and dogs, so you can be sure I'll be back for Weekend Cat Blogging & Weekend Dog Blogging.

    In the meantime, please know that I am reading all of your comments and emails. Comfort from around the world feels very good. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Susan,
    Much, much love from across the miles.
    My thoughts are with you and your family. I wish there were words enough to make things well, but seeing as there aren't, know that you are in all our hearts.
    emma

    ReplyDelete
  75. I'm fairly new to your site and have been living vicariously thru your blog and trying out your recipes. The very least I can do is send you the hope for healing hugs and peace. Take care of you.

    Paula L

    ReplyDelete
  76. During the last month I have followed life on your farm fare away and enjoyed your wonderful pictures. Thank you for that. I was so sorry to read about your loss. My thoughts and love also from Denmark. Ulla.

    ReplyDelete
  77. There are no words that comfort. I know too. As others commented earlier, I too watched my father suffer through alcoholism. He passed away this Spring. I pray the memories of your brother bring you some measure of peace and comfort. And know many of you are thinking of you and praying for your family...

    ReplyDelete
  78. Susan, my heart just aches for you. I wish you and your family peace.

    ReplyDelete
  79. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Susan. My God be with your whole family. Hugs, Sher

    ReplyDelete
  80. Susan, I am so sorry for your loss.
    I am without words. What a sad and terrible loss.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Our hearts reach out to you Susan, along with the hearts of these 94 other souls who have already reached out to you because you have touched us all with your goodness and your optimism. We are so sorry for your loss, and, share it, in that 2005 brought deep sadness to our family as well.

    Much Love,

    Peggy & Jim

    ReplyDelete
  82. I've enjoyed this site for quite a while, and I'm sorry to have to make my first comment under such unfortunate circumstances.

    ReplyDelete
  83. It is so sad. I'm really sorry for your loss. :(

    ReplyDelete
  84. My sympathies for your loss. I love my brother so much; I can't imagine how painful it would be to lose him. And suffering a death so close to Christmas must be especially hard. You and your fmaily will be in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  85. my heart feels very heavy for your tragic loss, dear susan - do take care of yourself and we shall pray for strength for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  86. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It's hard when you love someone and feel so helpless to save them. I hope you and your family find some peace.

    ReplyDelete
  87. Susan:

    I'm so sorry to hear about this. Thank you for sharing it with us. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

    ReplyDelete
  88. we keep coming each day to read all the comments from people who have left comforting comments for you at this time and although we try to find the right words to say know this that we send HUGE puggie vibes and hugs for you and your family xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  89. I'm so sorry for your loss, Susan.
    ::hugs::

    ReplyDelete
  90. Susan, I have just gotten back from my Christmas vacation. I was catching up on reading your blog when I saw your dedication to your brother. I am horribly sorry for your loss. I know it will be tough but you know that all of here and everywhere give you our support and send you all the comfort we can.

    ReplyDelete
  91. Susan, I am so, so sorry. I know there aren't words that I can type here that will make you feel better, but know you're in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  92. I am so so sorry for your devastating loss - you and your family are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Susan,
    I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
    With my sincere condolences,
    Regards,
    Rosa

    ReplyDelete
  94. I'm new to your blog by wanted to add my deepest condolences to you. I hope in this new year you find peace.

    Steph

    ReplyDelete
  95. My condolences to you and your family. My thoughts are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Farmgirl, I am so sorry for you loss. Life is so often cut to short.

    Thoughts and prayers...

    ReplyDelete
  97. Susan

    I'm sorry for your lost

    I lost my sister ( my only sibling ) over 10 years ago..

    Denise in TN

    ReplyDelete
  98. Oh my goodness, Susan. I am so sad to hear about your loss. Know that we're all thinking of you and sending you strength now and always...

    ReplyDelete
  99. oh susan i am sorry for your loss. he sounds like a neat guy. thank you for telling us about him.

    addictions are real. that is for sure. too bad he couldn't find the help that would work for him.

    you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  100. Hi Susan,

    I want you to know how sorry I am for you, and your Mother's loss.
    Derek was a complex person. I only really got to know him a little bit when he stayed overnight at his Mother's. Derek and his mother were very competitive gamers, especially with cards. I seldom won against them. He also reavealed his great memory and intelligence when he and his Mother would start discussing various issues.

    Derek was a person who truly loved animals. His cats were his constant companions and a source of pride and joy.

    I think his picture on the blog, as well as your memorial tribute to him was great.

    ReplyDelete
  101. you don't know me, and I just discovered you site, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. My brother has been dead 14 years, and though the pain has lessened, a day doesn't go by that I don't think of him.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Remember the great times with your brother. When my husband hears a certain song on the radio, he smiles, he says, "There's Helen". He lost his sister and brother in law in a firey truck accident on Halloween. Its been 22 years and Halloween still isnt really celebrated by him. I hope you remember the good times and smile often when you hear his favorite song too. Peace

    ReplyDelete
  103. I am so sorry for you loss. He seems to be a great guy. May the fond memories you have of him help guide you through these, your darkest days. I too lost my only sibling at a young age. My thoughts are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Susan, your family's friends at Audubon Canyon Ranch in CA were very sorry to hear about your loss.
    - Cassie

    ReplyDelete
  105. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    I don't know what else to say. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the amazing amount of caring and kindness in the world that has pointed itself toward me and my sadness. It helps.

    ReplyDelete
  106. Susan, I extend to you a huge hug and send my condolences to you and your family during this difficult time. You exude such warmth and positivity. Jennifer

    ReplyDelete
  107. Wishing you moments of peace during your battle with grief. You make everyone's days brighter with your blog and I hope you can find some comfort from the joy that you bring others. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Hello dear Susan, I had no idea that you had lost your beloved brother this Christmas. My heart reaches out to embrace you. I think you have read my eulogy to my 24-year-old daughter Francesca, so you will know that we share a special bond. Thank you for this exquisitely simple and moving testament to your brother.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Susan, I am very sorry for your loss. I knew you and Derek in San Rafael. My heart goes out to you and your mom. I have been in touch with her. Words just don't say what is in my heart. Be good to yourself. Love from a former neighbor.

    ReplyDelete
  110. hope time will be so kind as to let you remember only the good times with your brother, and may you find peace in your daily farm rituals and love for cooking. I believe somewhere he looking out for you...

    ReplyDelete
  111. Susan, I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to you. I too lost someone dear to my heart due to that same illness. I lost my husband in 1996. He was only 45 years old.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Hi, I found your site a while ago and check it from time to time. I just read your entry about your brother, and wish to add my sympathy to the many you've received. I am an alcoholic, sober less than a year, and came close to losing my family after years of trying their patience. I'm so sorry your brother couldn't do the turnaround in time to save himself.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Susan, I'm so sorry. Your words affected me so much because my sister was an alcoholic and died at a very young age due to it. But, they are always with us. Your brother sounded like a wonderful person and I thank you for sharing him with us. I will always think of him now. I love that you did this.

    ReplyDelete
  114. What a wonderful post -- so moving, because it was so very simple. Know that a stranger in California is thinking of you and your family, today.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Susan,
    I've never visited your site before when I came across your poem about your brother. I too lost my only sibling, my brother, at 31 years old last year from alcoholism. He rolled his car into a ditch and lay there all night. The sadness is overwhelming - please know there are others who understand what you are feeling and are surviving with you.

    ReplyDelete
  116. Hi Susan,
    I haven't checked in with your blog for a while, and just now came across this post. I am so so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  117. I'm so sorry. I know from experience that nothing can ease the pain - even though it's been almost a year now. I wish you peace as you come upon the 1st year anniversary.

    ReplyDelete
  118. God Bless, I'm so sorry...

    ReplyDelete
  119. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Words really can't express the kinds of things one feels about such a loss. I lost a brother on Christmas Eve long ago and it changes things forever. May you find the peace you need and continue to remember all the good things about Derek. He was a very handsome young man.

    ReplyDelete
  120. I just came browsing through from Danielle's 'Modern Musings', and this post caught my eye...

    I'm really sorry for your loss, and in such a way too... it must be heartbreaking to think he got caught up in drink so much it took him... just know you couldn't have stopped it. Only he could've done that.

    ReplyDelete
  121. I'm very sorry about your loss, but I do need to ask you something...Was your brother dereks last name Silver by any chance? if so could you please please e-mail me at cheerinchicka232@yahoo.com ((it is very important))
    <3Ashley Tremblay

    ReplyDelete
  122. Dear Susan,
    I hope that this past Christmas was not too hard for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  123. i visited your blog first time today and among other post's found this one. time has passed... but it was so deeply touching. i was wondering, how very close we all human natures are by nature... some stranger from the northern europe reads you thougths and feelings and tears just drop. my best wishes to you.

    ReplyDelete
  124. I just discovered your blog and am romping through the archives, so I'm a little late with condolences. Then again, grieving is a process.

    My brother was 37 when alcoholism killed him.

    I hope you've found peace in the intervening years.

    ReplyDelete

December 2015 update: Hi! For some reason I can't figure out, Blogger hasn't been letting me leave comments on my own blog (!) for the last several months, so I've been unable to respond to your comments and questions. My apologies for any inconvenience! You're always welcome to email me: farmgirlfare AT gmail DOT com.

Hi! Thanks for visiting Farmgirl Fare and taking the time to write. While I'm not always able to reply to every comment, I receive and enjoy reading them all.

Your feedback is greatly appreciated, and I especially love hearing about your experiences with my recipes. Comments on older posts are always welcome!

Please note that I moderate comments, so if I'm away from the computer it may be a while before yours appears.

I try my best to answer all questions, though sometimes it takes me a few days. And sometimes, I'm sorry to say, they fall through the cracks, and for that I sincerely apologize.

I look forward to hearing from you and hope you enjoy your e-visits to our farm!